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Players and Parents: Control What You Can Control

By Steve Mann, Minnesota Hockey Website

For most players and parents, the youth hockey season is filled with ups and downs, twists and turns, moments to remember forever, and some things we’d probably like to forget ever happened.

But all involved could make life much easier by dodging the ever-present trap of obsessing over things adults – and their players – can’t possibly control. Stressing about these “uncontrollables” can, simply put, take the joy out of the game.

“In youth hockey, there is so much noise coming from all directions, from parents and family, other players, the community, and social media,” said Nick Davidson, Dodge County boys’ varsity assistant coach and USA Hockey Coach Developer. “Players have to find a way to tune these things out and stay focused on the aspects they directly influence.”

What Can Players Control?

Identifying what things are controllable versus uncontrollable can be a challenge, especially for younger athletes. The lines between the two can easily be blurred or misunderstood.

According to Davidson, the most common examples of things players can control are body language, attitude, effort, emotions, preparation, and communication. He says the “uncontrollables” include who they play with, the officials, teammates, others’ opinions, and their coaches. Something like nutrition, he says, could fall under both categories because, depending on age, parents often play a part in these decisions.

Davidson believes the downside of focusing too much on things out of our control is a negative atmosphere for all involved.

“Players will forget why they started playing hockey, which was likely because it was fun to them,” he said. “They no longer get to experience the fun of playing the game they love. It becomes a chore or a job they must do rather than something they want to do. Parents forget why they enjoyed going to the rink, watching their kid have fun playing a sport they loved.”

Adults’ Role

Davidson believes parents can play a key role in modelling appropriate behaviour for their children. From reminding players of the controllable things they should focus on to simply being honest with kids about situations and potential outcomes, there are many opportunities to make a lasting impression.

“Nothing in life ever ends up working out exactly as planned, but how we react to these situations is important,” he said. “Being able to focus on things we can control and working together to overcome adversity is what being a part of a team is all about. Everything else is just a distraction.”

“Parents can control having their kids on time to team functions and can control, or influence, their kids’ attitudes towards teammates, coaches, and the outlook for the season,” Davidson added. “Too often, I see parents bad-mouthing other players or coaches or talking poorly about the team or organization in front of their kids, especially in the car or around the dinner table. This directly impacts the kids’ attitude towards the team and is often why maintaining a positive team culture at the rink is difficult. They can also control their own emotions and actions as spectators at games. Parents can’t control their kid’s effort on the ice, coaching decisions, teammates, or level of play.”

Handling “Uncontrollable” Situations

In addition to parents, coaches can also make sure players know the difference and how to handle uncontrollable situations that arise.

Davidson recalled a scenario where his organization only had enough players for one team on the Bantam level. Due to circumstances that arose after the season began, including some players moving on to other teams, the group had to figure out how to move forward with the limited roster that was left.

“We could have sat and complained about these things that were out of our control, but we focused on the things we could control,” he said. “We chatted with top players about an opportunity to become the group’s new leader. We weren’t as deep, so we talked about coming together as a team and playing for the guys sitting next to them. Everyone was required to do a little extra, and some players are now getting playing opportunities they otherwise would not have had. The team is now working harder, has more excitement on the bench, and is coming together as a team. It would have been easy to write the season off and discuss what we could have done if things were different. Still, these kids are having success and writing their own story by focusing on controlling emotions, having positive attitudes, and a high level of effort daily.”

Keep the Focus on Fun

Ultimately, Davidson says, we should all be focused on fun.

“We can still work hard and have fun,” he says. “We can still face adversity and have fun. There are some days that you have to grind through. Those days may not be so fun, but we are doing a good job as long as the long ride is fun.”